step 1.

seven months ago, i met someone who… little did i know, would become such a part of my life. today, i had to say goodbye as he left to go fight with his fellow marines in afghanistan. i never knew that i would care about this war so much, let alone about a marine; i used to have such perceptions about men and military. to me, they were all obnoxious and arrogant, holding no respect for women or morals for themselves. then came along andrew, who skewed my perceptions beyond belief: i never knew that i could find someone who made me feel like i didnt have to make up for having a child. it was never something that i had even considered- i just figured that having a child was baggage and was only hoping to find someone who could/would put up with it, etc etc. he has been all that i ever hoped for and more. today was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do, but even in that… i still had this kind of feeling like, “well, theres nothing i can do about it, so im just gonna do it, and lets get it over with” — thats what i said when i went in to be induced for child-birth. “c’mon! lets do this.” — however, unlike childbirth this isnt going to be over in 3 hours. my grandmother used to say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ – im not sure how much more fond my heart can become but… i suppose we have up to 10 months to find out. this is my step 1. i will keep you updated. i know theres a lot more to come, but i want to do my part on this end in regards to speaking life over him and having a vision for the end result. i want to write some confessions that will be relevant to his circumstances over there and will post them once completed.

Strength and honor are her clothing

i want to learn how to argue with you.

so, a friend of mine told me the other day that they thought it was sick how much i think that life is a fairytale. HA! the irony. this married individual was trying to explain to me how marriage is not the fairytale that they were imposing i assumed life to be. trying to explain to me the struggles and imperfections that occur, which i obviously was just not understanding.

…maybe i dont get it. but maybe i do? i dont really know. since i have never actually had a relationship that i would endow the privelage of labeling as one, i may not be the best suited to say. what i do think, however.. is that relationships(n. the connection between two things or people) are not perfect. at church, they have this connect group that you must take(together) before you get married,.. it takes you through all sorts of steps including learning about love languages, learning confessions, learning about one anothers past and families past (those deep dirty things and questions that dont get brought up over tea-time conversation but that may be important to know for someone who is about to become your life partner), but one thing… that particularly struck me as interesting was that.. you learn how to argue. ever met that couple that was so completely in looooove and “perfect” for one another that.. NOPE! we have NEVER had an arguement! they say as they are beaming ear to ear. oh my, does my heart reach out to them the days after they get married and they disagree on exactly where to place the garbage can in the kitchen. the fact of the matter is, that people are different. and they will disagree. and things will not be perfect. but i think its how you handle those moments, how you learn to handle those moments together that make the difference.

so, when i meet a guy that i want to learn how to argue with? :) ill let you know.

feedback, thoughts, comments, etc on this post are highly appreciated.

Strength and honor are her clothing

dear faceless stranger,

(this may make sense to nobody, but thats ok)

hello you.

somedays i wonder if you will ever show yourself, and these days grow into an oblivion at times.

time is a tangible length, though… wrapping itself around my desire for you – let it be known(?) that i will stop at nothing for you.

am i my own worst enemy? i question. but it is for this that i make my decisions.

decisions for the future, decisions for you, decisions for us.

and i am consoled by my adamance.

for now, let love be less feeling(which is the emotional) and something more of wisdom (which is the rational).

i wrote this on facebook tonight, and liked it – so i decided to post it here as well. i am learning how to make decisions for the future and not just for the momentary. learning how to decipher those rationals from those emotionals. learning how to talk, how to watch, how to learn… instead of just act(on impulse mostly). i think that these are good things. all part of the Plan. part of growing up. i am going to love when i look back on this one day,… with my faceless stranger.

Strength and honor are her clothing