this post kind of came to me, from a few things that i have heard over the past week or so,
Jen Chappell – “I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances”
James Cooper – “One can only attain true results if he has The Knowledge”
and also, somewhat from my post ‘waging war; gaining ground’

it was in a conversation, over a week ago. that i was bawling my eyes out to a friend about how helpless i felt. unable to rise above my circumstances. something that im sure i havent shared with many people, if any at all. is that fact that i often feel “defeated”.

before i came back to God, some people who knew me then might even remember me going through these cycles. i have always known God, even before i got pregnant. and i would go through these cycles of failure, dissapointment, guilt, denial. i would turn to everything in the world to ..distract me maybe? eventually realizing that there was only One answer to what my soul desired. try, again. fail. and the vicious cycle continues.

i understand that this is a very common, and effective tactic that the devil uses against us, but i cant help but consider – is he still using this tactic, just in a different form? when i am able to gain clarity on a subject, or even feel as though im making progress. he sweeps in at the first possibility of failure. with his imposed thoughts and manipulative spirits, to quickly steal my spirit of joy and endurance – and replace them with dissapointment. guilt. failure.

there have been times when i think “how can i possibly be a light to someone, when i dont even feel mine flickering?” feeling so beaten down, and utterly… defeated. this is where he wants me. right under his foot. this is where he wants you too. — im glad that i am able to fully grasp, and appreciate a lesson when God finally draws it all together for me, but i also wonder – psshk. how did it take me so long to realize this?

sometimes it takes mistakes. and sometimes it takes failure, to learn. and gain knowledge. in order to take another approach. but if in the meantime we are… defeated. we will make no progress. and this, is not gaining ground. God gave us a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. in fact… let me use the translation that my bible uses. i like it better – a spirit of power, and of love and of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self control. – these are the things of which we already posess. not dissapointment and guilt.
anyways. i think im done.

lesson of the day:

live, learn,
and dont make the same stupid mistakes again.

do i need to reiterate that?

dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.
dont make the same stupid mistakes again.

:) k, thats all. on a second, but closely related note- welcome on the youtube, our next secondhand serenade, josiah leming

a day at the lake :)

me and tyy spent the afternoon at one of my favorite dipping spots, the hippie hole :) aside from the all too notorious stories, its a great place to swim. i can walk out for yards, and yards, before i cant touch anymore. and im only five foot! hahah. it was a lot of fun. and my mom went. with her little dog. it was too cute. but not cute enough for pictures, sorry abigail.

and as with any day in the water, im exhausted.