im not a little girl anymore

reading some of my REALLY old stuff, the things that i wrote before… augh. what am i trying to say? i ran into someone the other day. and i totally spazzed. it was this total adrenaline rush, and i didnt know how to handle it. i acted so stupid! hahahh. — you know how teenagers act? all like “ohmygod nuh-uh furilll?!?” hahaha– siggghhh what am i talking about again?  i kind of blush when i read some of the things that ive written before, and when i think of the way that i acted when i ran into that certain someone who i would pretty much like to never run into again. thats not who i am. i am so sick of giggling, and talking, and doing stupid things, like a little girl. i mean, im silly. and im sure i always will be :D but theres a difference here. no depth really. is what i see when i read some of my older stuff. can i tell you something? ok, i will. some, alot of, the blogs ive written are actually because- i go back and read them. i like my older blogs bc it reminds me of who i am not anymore. and when i began to get my vision right, i would write blogs that, maybe didnt represent who i was at the time, but who i wanted to be. and so when i would go back and read them, and read them, and read them, i would see who i was.

i am so happy. i used to be so lost. even after i was saved. i was just so….vulnerable. to confusion, and influence. and ive learned so much, most importantly where to get my strength. i love God so much. and that is more than an expression, or something to say.  — i am really just so in love with Him EVERYDAY. i want everything that i do to be a reflection of what he has done in my life. i want the love that he has given me, that i now experience daily to shine through my face and my entire soul. i want my words, and my actions, and my image to shine for His glory.

and who i am now. this is one of my favorites. i dont want to be someone who has no depth. no reality. no maturity. no stability in life.  i dunno, does this make sense?  balance, is something that ive found in the past year that has helped me in ALOT of areas in my life. being serious, and being fun. there is a balance…. hmm. ok, im done with my random thought process here. today is a day where i could just go lie on the grass beside a river and stare up at the sky alllll day long…

a childs fourth dimension

many people know that my mother is bipolar, she was diagnosed a few years ago- and it explained alot of behavior of hers throughout my childhood. when i was 3 or 4 my mother, during what we would now probably consider a manic time in her life, she had her very first ’splurge into christianity’. my mom wiped everything out of the house, she got rid of disney books with witches and movies with ‘magic’. everything that was not based in the Word. she got me bible story cassette tapes, and christian obedience books. although i dont remember this, its a story that ive heard, so i remember what i was told. my moms ‘manic’ spree didnt last too long however. i know that there is some [alot of] reality in that though, and…..

this morning, me and tyy are watching mickey mouse clubhouse. it comes on at 8.30 and its a show that he used to watch before we would head out to daycare. i havent been letting him watch tv in the mornings as we have a new morning schedule- one that includes ‘lessons’ for being good! ha!- well this morning we have a slow, kind of sleep in morning, and we were chillin on the couch watching tv. i dvr’d mickey mouse club house bc i thought he would enjoy that, we could watch it… whenever. — i was watching it with him when it came on though, and the funniest thing. i guess ive never really been ’s too much into mickey. or his clubhouse. but he’s all like “misca musca” some crap. ‘magic words’ that make his clubhouse appear. and im like — this makes me feel uncomfortable. i dont think we are going to be watching this anymore, its being cleared from the dvr! hehe. but i have a question lol, for anyone who wants to comment- there is a ‘fourth dimension’ for my child that i need to be just aware of as i am for myself. maybe more. but my point is- you cant protect them from EVERYTHING. and im just not sure really where to draw the boundaries. for instance. dora, and diego. i LOVED these shows. they are interactive, they ask your child a question and WAIT for them to answer! they teach positive behavior, spanish, and to be environmentally friendly! haha, it really has some good concepts. and until someone else pointed it out, i never really thought about the fact that the map is magic, the backpack is magic— and of course their are other things in other cartoons that have talking objects. but these are called magic. tyy has been watching dora and diego for so long now, it would be mega obvious to him if i just ‘took it away’. im gonna go to lifeway this week and get some better things for him to watch, and maybe we can start phasing out of those shows.

 the thing is- you know the song suicidal by sean kingston? or soljaboys? for some reason these are two that tyy picked up on. and its amazing how sensitive you are for something your child does, that you might not have thought of before. at least that was how it was with me. it was months and months ago when i heard tyy sing chime into the lyrics of suicidal and it made me cringe. i changed the channel and vowed never to listen to that song again. the influence in that song is powerful, and not anything that i want my son to be listening to. letalone singing! and again, a couple months later he did the same thing with soljaboys. he like the part where they sung ‘about superman’. at that point i started leaving my radio on more milder radio stations, and eventually just stopped listening to the radio at all. music has always been a powerful influence in my life, i had just never really been able to let it go— so i have ONE cd haha. that i listen to, if im not listening to pastor steve, its like… a wow cd? or something… and tyy sings along to IT now. and its amazing to hear. “i am a chiiiiild of yourssss”  haha, he has no musical talent whatsoever(yet), but he sings with all he’s got, and its CYYYUTE!!! so, thats about it though- me and tyy have an appointment at his cardiologist today!  

from the inside out

To love you from the inside out

those were the lyrics i heard tonight which stirred this thought: so often, we desire change… maybe in ourselves. or we want something to happen, we want to be different… alot of times as a “new” christian there seems to be alot one may feel the need to do. or to accomplish, as far as bringing themselves into the new person that they want to be. “old” christians even go through this too though, as God reveals things in us because we are never perfect and we will always need His guidance.

but  with human eyes it is so easy to sometimes, look at a problem and immediately go after it and try to MAKE it different. or MAKE it change. or MAKE the situation what we want it to be… al the while, focusing on the problem. and not the root of it, have you ever heard the saying ” go to the heart of the matter” ? someone once said to me to never forget the power of prayer. i know that. but still somehow hearing it, made it stick out to me differently. we can all too often take for granted things that we know. when sometimes solutions are as simple as that, the power of prayer.

i am completely convinced that if you want change, you need to make it happen. we get wound up in habits and poorly chosen ways, that sometimes it can be a battle to change behavior. — so i am sticking to the fact that you need to take action, if a problem arises. but if your heart is not aligned with what you are changing, that is the first place that change needs to take place. quit focusing on the problem, and go to the heart of the matter. from the inside out.