change?

so, this might make no sense at all except to me.

lately, i have been… whats the word? bothered. by this thing that i cannot change. and i think it made sense to me today.

 even thought i cannot change what i cannot change, i can change what i can change. and through what i can change, what i cannot change will be changed.

and God wins everytime.

deleting deleted files.

did you know that when you delete files from your computer, they arent really deleted? they do however, disappear, and are not readily accessible… they just sort of linger there in the memory, waiting to be replaced by new files.

this is what crossed my mind earlier today as i drove past an old gas station in my town, and there was a man standing outside of it by his vehicle. i was startled by his obvious stare, as i turned the corner at the light, and even moreso annoyed as he continued to gawk at me until i was out of his sight. gah! stupid people… i muttered under my breath. — YIKES! i cant believe i said that!

i wrote this the other day, beginning to write a blog, but i just couldnt seem to gather my thoughts at the time.—— you see, i have this attitude in me, this angry, pissed off at the world, just dont like ANYbody, sort of attitude that is ready to JUMP out at the first opportunity. and i was reminded of that as soon as those words came out of my mouth…. immediately, i was so,… nearly dissapointed in myself, and i thought — why would i say that, as silly as it may sound, i was concerned with the basic attitude that those words rode in on. because as simply harmless as they may have been – i felt it in me, the attitude, just the plain bitterness…. so, i thought to myself, thats not who i am… why would i allow myself to feel this way? what am i doing?… what am i doing??? — and a few things came to my mind at that point:  i was reminded of a previous blog entry that i wrote. thinking about this, i came up with a following thought to that blog… Pastor Steve in a sermon a couple sundays ago, laid out the definitions of our spiritual growth, based on stages of child, teenager, and adult. — children… are selfish. bottom line.  its all about them, and what can help them, what they need to do, what they want, and so on. — and if you read my other blog, that is exactly what i see, and what i realize that ive always seen. christianity in the perception of a child. “what I need to do” is pretty much how i put it, in the previous blog. adults want to know what they can give, children want to know what they can have…

that IS what comes next. giving, instead of recieving. this is particularly relevant to me, because… i have never been able to move past that mentality. before now. i remember once, before i got pregnant,  i was just sooo confused, and overwhelmed it seemed, because i JUST didnt understand. … hahah, and i didnt even understand what it was that i  didnt understand! lol… maybe theres something that subconciously wants to stay a child, because its more comfortable, less responsibility. — lol, unfortunately thats not an option. imagine if the government were run by children… then consider how much more IMPORTANT the Kingdom of God is!!! heheh. — so now that im making nearly no sense at all… deleting deleted files? someone really smart once said, that you cannot get rid of old behavior until you also, replace it with new behavior. hence deleting deleted files. voicing the importance of quiet times, is something that i  feel like is not done quite as much as we get older, but in complete contrast, they are probably more important the older you get and with the more responsibility that you receive. also something that will replace old, persistant, and negative behavior. 

ya know,

something that bothers me, is when people look at me differently because i have a child. now… understandably, it makes me different… say, from someone who does not have a child. obviously. — but it is not a handicap, or something that makes me different than who i am… maybe it does. but if anything, it makes me better. being a parent has made me stronger, smarter, haha, older - i have gray hairs, but dont tell anyone!!!! – so.. conclusive point? i am a parent and i love it. and maybe ill label a post it note on my forehead with that information =D